I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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