I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
as a side note pls kill me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
