his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
