Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Farmville is her only friend.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
