I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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