So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
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Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
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There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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