i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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