I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
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He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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