i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
