I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
