I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
