Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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