If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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