i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
