It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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