I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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