I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
