Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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