I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
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My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
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I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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