you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
