there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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