the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
