I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
