You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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