guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
