If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
