When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
