in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
