My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
im holly from the hills drunk
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
