party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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