6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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