yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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