i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
