i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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