kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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