You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
