i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
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