In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
