My room smells like vodka and shame
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
