It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
