pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
