My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
