I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Pants are for mortals
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
