I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
