Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
