Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
