I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
