p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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