some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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