hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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