I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
did i just pee glitter
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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