dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
