Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I pour the whiskey from now on
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