On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
