are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
