You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
