Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let the clothes fall where they may.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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